Just Jumping In

Well, here I am.

I bought this domain with the intentions of starting a Frugal Living blog.... not specific to my city, which I already had.

That was a bust, well, more so because creating more globally relevant content was more time consuming than what I really had available in that season of my life.  I puttered around with a few Life Hack posts, a recipe here and there, but nothing creating enough passion to make me want to make the time.

I thought I had cancelled the auto-renew, but apparently I did not save my changes, and I've been locked in for another two years, so here we are.

I hate wasting things, and I've maintained an 'anonymous' blog, well, more of an online journal, about the ups and downs of my life.  No fancy domains, no investment, just needing to get the thoughts in my head out, like really cheap therapy. 

So now, with the next two years purchased, here I am, and I'd like to think my life is more than just getting by.

So who am I?

I'm a Mother, a Girlfriend, a Sister, a Friend, working in middle management, living in a little house on a lot of land, with my Boyfriend of almost 11 years, and our 6 year old Son. 

I have a 26 year old son from a high school relationship, married another man at 18, we didn't have any children together, and separated 14 years later, eventually getting divorced.

I am 42 years old, I've mostly ignored my health of the last 20 years (it's hard to ignore pneumonia - I know, as I tried).  I'm over weight, depressed, exhausted, and at the end of my rope.  I know I cannot keep going like this, and I'm starting to take steps and seek out help.  I want more than just getting by.

Although my mother is still alive, I feel like I'm an orphan.  I have two younger sisters (who are twins) and after Dad died, the family blew apart.  Not because Dad was the pillar, but because Dad was the buffer, and irregardless of what our Mother did to us, he kept us coming back.  Once he passed, our Mother used and twisted him against us - and continues to this day.  But we'll save that story of another day... as I'm sure that will come back up - it's long from being done and he still hasn't been laid to rest. (Sorry Dad!)

I'd like to think I'm a good Friend, but I'm thinking I cannot be.  I do not have many close friends, and recently someone who I thought was for the last 15 years has done some really shitty things to me.  It's been building up, and I know her well enough to know her tactics and maneuvers.  I'm not dumb.  But instead of Fireworks and Jerry Springer type confrontations - I've just let her slip away.  I don't want to deal with the fake of it anymore.  I love her, her husband and her boys, goodness know we've been through some shit together!!!  But I'm not fighting, I'm not fighting with her, for me, for them, for us.  Because I'm older with a small boy, and her kids have graduated High School, I know we are in different seasons of our life.  I just don't want to deal with the negativity and I'm certainly not able to re-live my 20s like she is now.  It's not the first time we've broken up.  She's done some shitty things against me previously, and we did not speak for a year.  This time around I wouldn't invest in her like I had.  I didn't want to get burned again.  So this time around, there's no hurt or real anger, I'm just done.

Besides, is guarding yourself against a friend, really isn't a friendship?

So, in a nutshell, that's where I'm at.  There's will always be more to come - some forward, some backwards - but always me.